By Corey Heller
Photo Credit: Ben and Kaz Askins
Today was not a day that I am proud of. I yelled at my German husband in front of my multilingual kids. And, as always, I regretted it later.
My patient husband kept calm – which made me even more annoyed.
Is that a German trait, that staying-calm-in-an-argument trait? That trait that can drive me up the wall? My fiery response to it (inherited from my Irish grandparents) was a clear indication that I still haven’t mastered that trait – not yet, at least.
Let’s hope my children inherit my husband’s calm genes. Please!
The thing that I find fascinating is that when I lose my temper and start to yell, it is usually in German, my non-native language. Rarely do I launch into a host of deeply familiar American exclamations.
Instead, I automatically turn to my limited, yet carefully selected, set of German vocabulary – words that I have chosen over the years due to the way they so comfortably roll off my tongue.
Non-native speaker tip: Don’t use swear words in a heated argument that you (1) haven’t learned well enough to use comfortably and (2) you can’t pronounce correctly. I can say this from experience. The impact is less than stellar when a swear word you utter makes your opponent burst out laughing (at you) because he can’t figure out what you just said. “Did you just say I’m a pair of binoculars? Bwahhhahhahh!”
Memorable. But definitely not satisfying. Not in the least.
I enjoy swearing in German. It feels sophisticated compared to the English equivalents. It gives me a certain sense of satisfaction, primarily because the words feel so very empowering and forceful yet not crude and obscene. Those German words just roll of the tongue with such slithering pleasure:
“Verdammt, noch mal!” Doesn’t that sound so much more appealing and mature than “damn it all”? Course, I have to admit that I do enjoy a good “bloody hell” from time to time while watching those fantastic British mysteries on our local PBS TV station! What sophistication. Such refinement.
“Scheiße!” Those two syllables make our English “shit” seem so very vulgar. The smoothness of the “sch,” the openness of the “eye” and the soft ending of the “eh” is so very soothing to the ear, is it not?
Even “Idiot” in German has a kind of low, casualness with that lovely long-o sound. Contrast that with its sharp, edgy American-English cousin. Anything that ends in “ut” like the American pronunciation must be relegated to the compost heap.
Obviously, I didn’t pick up the worst of the worst when it comes to German swear words (thanks to my clean-talking husband and his friends). My repertoire of German swear words is limited to a few targeted general ones that I most likely learned from German television.
The fact that I lack a personal association with these words makes them feel so much less offensive – almost pleasant in my mind. In fact, being that I learned them during a very exciting, joyful time in my life (those first euphoric years with my husband-to-be), it is no surprise that they hold with them many pleasant memories (even though some were used in that same joyful context against that same wonderful person – let’s just blame it on that same Irish blood).
Even though I try never to use swear words in front of my bilingual children, there are times when they slip out. Purely by accident. I swear!
I have even been known to use an occasional English swearword in front of my children now and then. However, I aim to stick with German exclamations: they are so much easier to get away with when my kids repeat them in front of English-speaking community members. I can just pretend like my kids said something extremely cute and praiseworthy: “What did he just say?” they ask. My response: “Oh nothing, really. Just ‘darn it,’ that’s all.” (Inward chuckle.)
I have been asked once or twice by my kids to please define a given swear word in English. As I usually only use German swear words, I always respond with an honestly shocked response: “What!? Where did you learn that word!?”
To which my children answer matter of factly, “From you Mama.”
“Really? Are you sure? From me?”
Scheiße, verdammt noch mal!
On the rare occasions that you lose your temper, which language do you prefer? Do your children ever use swear words? If so, do find that swear words in one language have less of an impact than in your other languages? Are your children allowed to use words in one language but not their translation in the other language(s)?
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
This is hilarious! I always swear in Spanish (my second language), I just love how the words sound, and I don’t feel as bad saying them as I do in English (my native language). My husband is the exact opposite of me – Spanish being his first language, but always swearing in English. They almost don’t seem like swear words when you say them in another tongue, hehe.
So far, my 19-month-old has only repeated “shit” one time, and he hasn’t said it since. He repeats everything these days! We don’t really have a problem with him knowing and using swear words…but of course, being mindful of the company he’s in. Don’t want him running around the playground swearing at other kids when he gets older! There is a fine line to walk.
Q´s last [type] ..easier said than done
So glad you left this comment! It is wonderful to know that others can relate with my post! As you said, they just don’t seem like swear words in another language – they are fun additions to our language repertoire! I love it! But you are so right about our kids hearing us and repeating what we say. I have found myself telling my kids a few times, “You are not supposed to say that word that I just said!” as if it will have any weight. Course, the words they hear from other kids have the most impact on my kids. My middle son called another kid an f-ing a-hole a few months back. I was in shock and asked him (as calmly as I could) where he learned that. He had learned it from another kid 3 years younger! What!? Another reason to stick with German words – at least the kids can say something and most of our local population won’t know! Hah!
Thank you for stopping by and I’m delighted to be connected on Twitter too! So many great places to connect – yippee!
One of the things that I consider interesting is the fact that it’s difficult to translate swear words, because of the differences in connotation in different cultures and languages. It is quite common to hear the word “Scheisse” in German television and does not have the negative associations as the English equivalent sh*t (which would probably have been censored away by the Anglo-American TV stations).
Equally, the German “verdammt”, is often used differently than the English equivalent “damn it”. It can also be used to emphasize or to stress certain issues, and does not have negative associations (eg: “Es ist verdammt kalt.” is more similar to “It’s extremely cold” than to “It’s damn cold.”). One has to be careful when switching languages because sometimes expressions which are not considered swear words in one language, are completely unacceptable when translated.
Oliver.
Oliver, that is so true. English is my second language, and my husband (native English speaker) is sometimes shocked at the type of words I use, which I pick up at school (I am a teacher). In my mind, they weren’t that bad, but he’s taught me to be careful. In addition, there is a North/South divide here in the UK, and certain words are acceptable up north where I first lived, but not down south where I am now. I got into real trouble once for using the words “cheeky sod” in a lesson, which would have been fine elsewhere. I get a similar reaction to “crap”.
Great points Oliver and Noemie! It can be so much fun to use swear words in other languages but dang, we had better watch out when it is appropriate. That is when we realize how bicultural we truly are – LOL!
Thank you for the fabulous comments!!
How bad most of these words are seen obviously depends strongly on the region — they say you use f*ck in NY as a comma.
Certainly “It’s f*cking cold.” is then not strong at all. On the other hand, “Scheisse” is never used in kids’ German programs, so my guess it’s that it’s actually only very slightly weaker than “sh*t”.
Hi Corey,
I’m facing the same “staying-calm-in-an-argument trait” with my British husband !!
On the swearing front, I do find swearing in French (my 1st language) much more effective for tension relief. English sounds too musical for me. It seems that I would need to sound VERY angry to convey the same emotional charge as I would with a simple but effective French word (for example “conn**d” vs “bast**d”). Are some languages simply more suited for swearing I wonder?
So good to know that I’m not alone in being frustrated with the “calm” spouse! LOL!
I do wonder the same about whether some languages are just more suited to swearing – what a great question. I’m sure someone must have done a research paper on this! I did read something from Jean-Marc Dewaele about swearing. Maybe I can get him to share that piece again.
I do have to say that French swearing sounds so very elegant to me.
French is such a sophisticated language and so carefully tended to (i.e. making sure not to allow in foreign words) that hearing a French swear word makes me feel that it was chosen precisely for that moment… a perfectly constructed sentence which needed that exact swear word. Isn’t that funny! It must be from all of the French films I watch!
This has inspired me to do some digging into swearing in different languages! Thank you so much for your comment!
Hi Corey!
I am a native English-Polish-speaker, living in Sweden.Having basically grown up in Sweden, Ive made a curious observation: Many Swedes, who generally speak quite good English, tend to use the word “fuck” quite effortlessly and often in a non-abusive context. When I have heard this in a Swedish setting, I realise that I have kind of learnt to accept it, its not as rude when I listen with my “Swedish” ears (I speak Swedish fluently). When The F-word is used by Swedes in the presence of my fellow English-speakers I cringe and feel grossly embarrassed and find it utterly rude! I dont use the F-word myself. Never;-)! My husband is German (and annoyingly calm during arguments). I have, like you, thought myself capable of swearing in German – but my Swedish experinence just reminds me to stick to my safe but more eloquent English and work hard on my German vocabulary…..;-)
PS. We have actually made up our own multilingual “scheisse”, I realised this when my 5-year-old daughter recently said “SCHAIT”!:-D
Thank you for this great comment, Anna! We all have such calm husbands, don’t we? I wonder if that is why we found husbands from another culture – who in our culture would put up with us! LOL! Just kidding.
So, so, so true about the big old “F word”! I can’t even imagine what my gut reaction would be to hearing it spoken in everyday conversation – a total cultural bias on my part. But I can see how that can happen. I had never thought about this until you left this comment but it is so true!
And as you said, a good reminder to watch what we say in a non-native language while in that native country! I can get away with a lot here in the States but as you mention, I am far more cautious when visiting family in Germany. I do use “scheisse” a lot but I think in part because everyone around me is using it.
I remember there was a woman in my German language class in Kiel who was from Hungary. She would always use the word “shit” but pronounce it as “sheeeet” (the long “ee” sound instead of the short “i” sound). It drove me batty! I found myself correcting her which was so crazy!
Thank you for the comment – so great to connect over profanity!
at long last!!!!!!!! an article that exactly describes why it so easy for me to swear in English!!! i have been trying for years to explain to my English hubby (i am Greek) that it feel as you say less offensive to do it in another language than yours it does have the same “weight”..no expirience with out little man yet on this..but i am so glad i am not alone in this
) i actually think that this is the reason why in most countries other than the UK they play the uncut versions of songs with swear words in…it simply doesnt have the same impact!!!!
Your post made me laugh! When I grew up in Germany my mother taught me to say ‘shit’ instead of ‘Scheisse’ because it was considered non-offensive. As teenagers ‘fuck’ got added to our vocabulary as a swearword (not by my mom I hasten to add!), but without any real concept of what the word meant. It was a swear word, was non-offensive in German and what was the big deal? It was a real eye-opener, first in the US, now in the UK how strongly some people feel about swearwords – including my in-laws…
Fast forward to now. I have a 22 month old who loves diggers (German: ‘Bagger’ pronounced bugger) and Thomas the tank engine, which he prounces ‘bummer’. I’m still at the stage where I think it’s hillarious that he shouts ‘bummer, bummer’ at the top of his voice whenever he sees a train, because after all it’s not offensive to my first language. However, trying to explain to my German parents what bummer means and why it is offensive to some, I just stuck with saying “yes mom, it’s a little bit like ‘fuck’ but you don’t want to know…
I live in a part of Spain where people are famous for their “colorful” language. My husband swears in his native Spanish alot without even noticing. He has asked me to correct him so he can change the habit, but because it doesn’t sound offensive to me (a native English speaker) we have trouble catching the words. We have conversations like, “Did you just say “joder” again? I don’t know, did I?” I guess we’ll find out when our little parrot starts saying it.
notsospanish.wordpress.com
I learned my fair share of Spanish slang and swear words from my Dominican husband. I have been told that I have near-native pronunciation, but such a “charming” hint of an accent that it doesn’t even sound as if I am cursing. My stepson burst out laughing when I said “Esa historia me tiene enco*onada” (This annoys me, but stronger than the actual word for annoyed, “enojado/a”). However, the one time I got angry with my husband because we were lost on the road and I shouted, “Co*o!” which many Dominicans “use as a comma,” he was quite upset.
I seldom swear in my native English, but it gives me a secret pleasure to swear in other languages; partly because of the way it sounds, and partly because I only do it when I think no-one can understand. As for what language I use at home when I’m annoyed – my wife and I both speak Spanish (her native language) with our toddler, while he picks up plenty of English from other sources. However, if I’m annoyed enough, I’ll switch to English. Of course, I also sometimes use English in pleasant settings (e.g. bedtime stories) – but if I’m telling him off and I start speaking English, he knows I’m pretty mad.