Negotiations
Tonight at the dinner table my 6-year-old son (our oldest child) heard me and my husband speaking English with one another and promptly said to us (in German), “Why are we kids supposed to speak German together while you two speak English with one another? It is so unfair!”
My husband and I looked at one another and and I quickly said (in German), “You are right! We should be speaking German. Ok, let’s make a deal: your father and I will speak German with one another from now on and you’ll agree to speak German with one another as well, ok?”
Our son pursed his lips to think about the deal. He looked at his siblings who were as uncertain as he was. They clearly smelled something rotten.
So I quickly added, “And you guys stop calling me Corey and just call me Mama from now on, ok?” Our son started to look at us with clear suspicion while my husband topped it off with, “And you always call me Papa, ok?” (Our kids had decided to call us by our first names as our English-speaking friends and family members did and it was driving me absolutely crazy! I was determined to put an end to it, once and for all.)
Well, let’s just say that after an evening of dinner table negotiations, we all eventually shook on it and agreed to the terms. Whether my son and his sibling cohorts have any idea of what they really agreed to will be seen soon enough.
Is this what our bilingual family has come to? Language deals with a 6 year old and his younger siblings at the dinner table?
What will come next? Begging, pleading, imploring? Down on my knees, head in my hands sobbing and telling stories of children who didn’t speak German and therefore, well, I just can’t even say because it was so very sad. So very sad.
Or maybe we can decide over a game of Go Fish?
Whatever works, right? Right?!
The truth is, the hardest part will be for me to remember to speak German with my husband from now on! The things we do in the name of bilingualism!
Postscript: It has been two years since I wrote this post. What are the results?
My children rarely speak German with one another. But it only occasionally gets under my skin. If I remind them to speak German with one another, they often switch over for an obligatory 2 minutes or so, or they respond with a whole litany of reasons why they are going to stick with English:
- “Knights don’t speak German, only English. We are playing knights right now.”
- “Star Wars Lego guys only speak English. If you don’t believe us, go to lego.com and find out for yourself.”
- “I’ve never heard a construction worker build a house in German. Construction workers speak English in real life – you can see for yourself across the street. No, Mama, Bob the Builder (in German) is not real. And we are real (English-speaking) construction workers.”
- “English is our playing language. That’s just the way it is.”
In the whole scheme of things, I’m happy that they still speak German with us. So I count my blessings.
My husband and I? Do we speak German all the time with one another? No. Probably about 70% of the time. However, he and I have developed this magical way of always switching to German, even mid-sentence, when we happen to be speaking English and one of the kids walks into the room. I don’t think we even notice the switch most of the time – just another bit of bilingual-family-language-switching magic.
The silliest part is that when my kids walk into the room when we are speaking English, my husband and I react as if we got caught talking about something we weren’t supposed to be talking about and our parents just walked into the room: “What? English? Us? No way! Never!”
Do your children speak their non-community language with one another? Or do they prefer the community language for their communication? Does it bother you when they don’t speak your language together?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I have to say the boys were right! It ISN’T fair to expect them to speak a language when you don’t do the same…I’ll have to remember that as my daughter reaches the bargaining and excuse-making age!
Also, you gave me chilling flashbacks to my own language school and drill days. Necessary, yes. Enjoyable, not so much. Although maybe there’s some satisfaction in knowing your brain cannot possibly absorb another piece of information, I don’t know.
Hah, my poor kids, having to negotiate for what is only right! Good to know you are on their side! In fact, I think I am the one who has benefited the most – I have been using more German than I would have had we not made that agreement.
Ah yes, the language drills. What is a language lesson without them! It was certainly a battle but one I feel that I won in the end.
I think it’s natural for kids to speak to each other in the language they use at school. I’m American and my husband is Dutch and we have always used the OPOL rule when speaking to our boys.
We moved to Germany in 2006, though, and put our sons in the local schools. It took them a year or so to adjust, but they now speak German with each other. (Dinnertime at our house is a linguistic adventure!) When people ask them why they do this they just laugh and say: “We don’t know. That’s just what comes out.”
You kids spend a big chunk of their day speaking English at school, so it makes sense that it feels natural for them to speak English to each other. I think it’s really commendable, though, that you’re continuing to expose them to German. Bilingualism is such a gift!
I really enjoyed your article about the language of identity. Can really relate and it’s nice to see so much of my feelings articulated so well!