We sometimes forget a few important things along our parenting journey. We forget essential things, necessary things, like the fact that our children are not perfect reflections of ourselves.
If little Paul acts up in the grocery store, that in itself does not mean that I am a bad person, even if others are giving me the evil eye. And if little Ella gets a perfect score on her math test, that doesn’t mean that I am a better person because of it, even though other parents will praise me for my daughter’s accomplishments.
Yet it is easy to forget this.
It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that our children are our mini ambassadors, going out into the world representing our family.
When it comes to multilingual families, we can fall into the trap of believing that our children’s language skills represent something about us: Our child speaks perfect Arabic while visiting family in our home country? We have reached the pinnacle of success! We can finally live happily ever after. Our child makes one grammatical error after the other? We should be ashamed of our ourselves! Send that parent to the language dungeon. We can be so very hard on ourselves as multilingual parents!
Are you taking your children’s multilingualism personally?
The answer to this question is most likely rather fluid: sometimes we do, other times we don’t. Of course multilingualism in our families is personal – on a very big level. Our language is personal so passing it on to our children is personal. But sometimes it can go too far. Sometimes we take it too personally.
If you find that your children’s multilingual mastery can alter how you are feeling about yourself as a parent/person or how you feel about your child as a human being, then things are getting too personal. This is when it is time to step back and take a look at things from a wider viewpoint. The key to turning things around is catching yourself in the act and paying attention to it.
Here are two examples of how to spot when you are taking things too personally:
1) Getting emotionally involved with your children’s language accomplishments.
Do you find that when your children make the same grammatical error for the 100th time that you feel hopeless? You have been correcting them over and over again, why haven’t they learned by now! All of your efforts have been for nothing! Or if another native speaker of your language comments negatively about your children’s language skills, do you feel an anger and justification welling up inside you?
If these types of situations resonate with you, then you are most likely coupling your children’s language accomplishments with your own sense of self-worth. Your children’s language abilities are something that your children own and develop with your help but they are doing the growing and developing. Just do your best to provide your children with the essentials (see this article) and let the results come as they may.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for this interesting article!
I recongised myself in many points you mention since I realise I am sometimes emotionally affected when my daughter refuses to speak my language!
She is French as her father and while we lived in Paris she obviously learned more French than Spanish, my mother tongue.
For example, I felt very frustrated when she called me “maman” instead of ‘mama’.
She is still little, only 19 months and I can notice she is able to understand what I say in Spanish, but she says more words in French.
Sometimes I am sure she knows exactly a Spanish word but she just DOESN’T want to say it and she just says it in French even if I keep on repeating it all the time.
So, as you exposed, I tend to feel guilty, not giving her enough input…and a little bit stressed.
Now we moved to England and French is still dominant. At the nursery, she understands simple things as ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ or ‘kiss’ but she stills says them in FRENCH…so, it is a bit strange seeing her waving ‘au revoir’ while everybody is saying ‘bye’ . She has perfectly understood they have the same meaning, and again as with Spanish, she refuses.
I don’t know how to help her with English, we follow the OPOL system at home and I am afraid she ‘ll have problems at school later.
Thank you!
Dear Lila
as you told she refusing spanish, and catch French, it means she is more suitable for french, suppose ! you want to speak spanish, why not french? and you feel frustrate, same like this she feel easy to speak french and feel hard to say in spanish! as like you! she also has her personality and right to choose what she feel easy! also this is the matter of genetics, she is by born french speaker!.
so never mind if she not speak spanish, after some time when she will grow up and can realize more better so she will speak.
Please don’t get stressed! Your daughter is very young, you know. She’ll speak Spanish eventually, but the more you make it a chore for her, the longer it will take. Play with her, read to her, let her watch suitable cartoons in Spanish and one day, she’ll use it happily. Don’t worry about helping her at school with her English, and don’t make the mistake of speaking in English to her on the advice of her teacher or doctor. Her peers and teachers, the world outside your window will teach her better than you ever can. Be happy that she understands you (no small thing!) and be patient and enjoy her. I’m sure she’s a lovely little lady.