By Corey Heller
This originally appeared in Multilingual Living Magazine.
As many of us know and have experienced, living in another country changes you forever. You will never be the same and will never see things the same way again. I mentioned this to a friend after having lived abroad for a year. She looked at me confused and responded, “Oh come on, don’t be so depressing!”
Yet, for those of us who have lived abroad, this is simply the way it is.
The first time I experienced what experts call “Reverse Culture Shock” was after returning home from a Year Abroad Program in Galway, Ireland. My home town, which before had given me a sense of comfort and belonging, upon returning seemed stifling and bereft of warmth. I moved about my days feeling that something was missing but I had no idea what it could be. I eventually came face to face with the starling reality that my home would never, ever again feel the same as it had before. I had sealed my fate the moment I had boarded that plane the year before.
I don’t think there is really any way to describe this feeling to those who haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s a little like free-falling. It feels as if we are floating aimlessly on restless waters. We feel distinctly ungrounded.
What, exactly, is it that causes us to feel this way? Why is it more pronounced when living in a different country than just living in a different city? Does the degree of difference between our home country and the target country determine the degree of change we will experience upon returning?
Many descriptions of Reverse Culture Shock describe it as part of a continuum whereby eventually we’ll feel at home again in our native country and the vestiges of the “shock” will slowly wear off.
Although it is true that those initial feelings of strangeness have subsided, I still feel that something will never be the same even now, so many years later. What I constantly contend with now is a continual pull to go back; a pull to go back anywhere as long as it isn’t here. Yet when I am back there, I feel the pull to return here, the place I call home. It is as if I am living in a kind of suspended reality, never really here and never really there; restless.
The joy of having spent time in another country is that you slowly become a part of it and bit-by-bit one of its people. Our attention to detail is heightened and we make a concerted effort to understand and fit in until we become one with our new location. What I have seen and felt and heard and smelled in each of the places I have lived has made me who I am, like a wine having picking up its surrounding elements.
I would never want the clocks to be turned back to the person I was before I set foot on that first airplane. Instead, what I want more than anything is to have my favorite elements from each country right here with me now. I want to have an Irish pub around the corner here in Seattle, full of laughter and music and incessant chatter. After all these years, I still crave the smell of burning peat in the air and delight when I hear an Irish lilt.
But I also want to have the sights and smells and friends from Germany and Italy and France. I want to experience Tasmanian joviality and kindness on a daily basis. I want to somehow piece them all together into a patchwork quilt of sorts; to wear it day in and day out to bring me a kind of multicultural comfort of my own making.
Ultimately what I have lost in hometown comfort, I have gained in international familiarity. Whereas once boarding an airplane was an amazing feat and arriving in another country 10 hours later unthinkable, I now feel a safe sense of deja-vu when we are snuggled down into our seats for our long flight. I have a pretty good idea of the sequence of events whereby we will get from here to there and I cherish this opportunity to head to my “other home” of Germany for an extended visit. And after being there for a while, I can’t wait to snuggle back into my bed in my home in Seattle.
Thus, the final question I ask myself is no longer whether I will ever have that complete sense of home again, that sense of knowing I belong in one place above all others without doubt. I now ask myself how I can feel at home where I am at this very moment, in this place, with these experiences; each moment finding my way back home.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
So true, Corey. Sometimes it is a struggle to be present in your current situation and celebrate the beauty of where you are, rather than long for what you have left behind.
After 5 years in Spain I can’t wait for my visits “home” to Canada, but at the same time always feel slightly cheated when I arrive. It is never as wonderful as I sometimes imagine when I am having a tough day in Spain.
Now, home for me is wherever I am with my husband and son, in our crazy little culture that we have blended up ourselves.
http://notsospanish.wordpress.com/
What a good point you make – that home IS with our spouse and child, wherever that is. I can definitely relate to that! Thank you for your reminder!
Hi Corey,
I can completely relate to your feelings as I have undergone the same myself and reverse cultural shock makes you actually think that it can never be like before as the experiences make us grow rich and the horizons broaden. In fact there are so many people across the globe who are leading this kind of nomadic life and infact get so used to it that they would want to shift. I can also relate to moving to another country/place except original country of stay/origin because the things there never changed but you did.
Nice to be able to walk side by side with people who can relate to story like this. Thanks for sharing it.
Be Well
Coach Nupur
I agree completely! Being able to connect with one another in this way is so important. The worst is feeling as if we are different, have done something wrong along the way, should have stayed in our home town and never gone anywhere because now we are so different and feel alone. Then when we hook up with others we realize how connected we all really are!
Funny how no matter where we’re from, I think we all feel pretty much this way….I’ll never forget that first summer I spent in Spain as an exchange student 23 years ago…an experience that changed the course of my life. I ended up in Italy speaking Italian, but Spanish was my first love…Thanks for the lovely article that brought back so many memories!
How wonderful to have both Italian and Spanish! And you are more than welcome for helping to bring back memories – writing it brought back wonderful bittersweet memories for me too. In fact, I wanted to jump on a plane and go back to Ireland and see how much it has changed from 1991.
This is so true. I noticed that it took me about 2-3 years to get used to my new country, the USA. I spent a lot of complaining about those “crazy Americans” with other German expats. Then somewhere between 3 and 5 years you reach a “point of no return”, where you feel more at home in the host country than the home country. Last year we went back to Germany for a 3 months sabbatical (after 8 years in the US). I noticed that I did the same complaining as in my first years in the US, just this time about the “crazy Germans”. It would probably take me a few years again to get feel at home in Germany. Unfortuantely, we can’t create the perfect world somehwere in mid-atlantic! Now, I enjoy spending time with my fellow German (or other European) expats who are in the same situation and can relate. And I try to bring as much of the positive aspects of Germany here as I can to create my own “perfect world”. The sad thing about going away and coming back is that the people you return to can’t really relate and it sometimes feels like your experience abroad is not valid or hasn’t happened.
Thank you for your comments, Barbara! It can feel so lonely when we aren’t around people who really “get” what we have experienced. But when we find them, it is such a relief, isn’t it? There is still a bit of sadness inside me that I will always feel torn one way or the other. But ultimately, I think it is a small price to pay for my wonderful family!
“I now ask myself how I can feel at home where I am at this very moment, in this place, with these experiences; each moment finding my way back home.” Exactly!
You are so right, Jim! This is really what we should all be aiming toward no matter where we live and what we have experienced! Even those who have never traveled can feel out of place at home as well. Perhaps it is feeling strange in our skin that needs to be worked on. Thank you for sharing this reminder!
They say home is where the heart is, and while it sounds very cliche, I do have to agree. I’ve lived in Wisconsin, Germany, Wisconsin, Switzerland, New Jersey and Switzerland. Where is home? Switzerland has become home since coming to live here the first time. Wisconsin has the distinction of being “home-home,” the place my roots are. Reverse culture shock came only after my year abroad in Germany. Any relocation since has just been an adaptation, because of the “been there, done that” experience. It will never be the same, because we are never the same people we were when we lived there before. We are never the same people we were five minutes ago. That’s the beauty of it: We’re growing and learning as individuals. (At least I hope we are!)
Wonderfully said, Maureen! We are always growing, aren’t we? We are never the same people that we were a few minutes before – each new experience, thought, action changes us just that little bit more. I’ve found too that how I perceive the world around me is (1) in my control, and (2) doesn’t often match what others perceive. Knowing that gives me both a sense of power over my life and a relief that I am not in control of how others interpret what I say and do.
I love having more than one home! I love it that Germany and the US are places where I can belong fully and completely, having gotten to know them in such personal ways. Ireland to some degree but I never felt that I truly lived there. I always felt like a visitor.
Thank you for taking the time to share this!
This post rings so true for me. I only spent 3 months in Germany, but it took me a while to get used to being back home (USA), and to this day, I still miss things and long for some of those same experiences. I am eager to set up another long term stay to give my family the same experiences.
Cynthia´s last [type] ..Video- El drama del desempleo
I totally know what you mean, Cynthia! I dream of living somewhere else from the US all the time. It is kind of like thinking about what kind of dessert I’d love to have after dinner (a smooth piece of chocolate… a chocolate sundae… a bowl of fresh fruit) each has its own sensations in my thoughts. I have to be careful, though, since it can make me feel depressed if I am not careful. I have to constantly remind myself that what I have right here, right now IS so very wonderful! It is the best for right now. (But I am already getting excited for our visit to Germany in the Fall – LOL!)
Hi everyone!
I really like this blog, just the people were living abroad can understand the feelings and memories. I lived in the canary islands for two years,one year in Stuttgart (Germany) june last year i moved to London. i wrote a book about my two years in the canary islands in my mothertongue spanish, I come from Valencia. I will never be the same i think in diferent way than before i like to do diferent things and i understand much more people than i did before. I met hundreds and hundreds of people from over the world . I´m not sure about my future and i don´t think anyone can help me to choose the place to live “forever” i´m thinking to go back home next year and find a good job but i am scared to be there the rest of my live. I had summer all the year in canary islands, i was 7 months cold -15 º in Stuttgart and now i´m enjoying the spring-summer after a cold and rainy winter in London. I started to travel because i was ill for a month and i maked the decision to move to another place to find new experiences and motivations. i have thousands of pictures but not enough to describe how big was my experience . i live day a day i dont think too much in the future but what i know is how hard is going to be back home and understand the live i had before my experience.
best regards
Alejandro
What an amazing response, Alejandro! You bring up so many important elements to this – especially the part about living somewhere “forever.” The thought of that kind of freaks me out. Being in one place forever sounds wonderful: same friends, same house, same neighbors, etc. I want to establish roots and be connected to place and people. But on the other hand, I want to feel that I will be able to discover all of those places out there when I am ready. But will I ever be ready? My husband and I think that spending something like 3 months each year in another country would be great (if we can figure it out financially). Maybe working on a farm in a different country each summer to earn our stay? Who knows.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences. It means a lot to all of us who know exactly what you are going through!
My family and I are currently living in Bolivia and have been for 6+ years. At the end of this year we are being sent back to our ‘home’ country. We are not very happy about it. We will leave behind a 20 year old son who is nationalising. We will take our adopted 4 year olds. I will need to speak Spanish to them instead of English to keep them from leaving it behind and our 18 year old daughter will go back to our country to study but not to stay. Where is home? I have always shifted from town to town but now it is something bigger – I have two countries, two cultures, two languages and two homes and the closest I can get to home is when all my kids are in the same place with me.
We are never the same,
Tracey
Tracey, how did your move go? I apologize for not responding sooner! I totally understand what you are feeling and the worries that go with such a big transition! Where are you now? How is your family dealing with the changes?
Something that I noticed when my husband and I moved back to the US: the first year was hell for me. I cried and cried. I hated Seattle, thought it was the ugliest city I had ever seen. I hated the people here. Now I love living here. It took a year for me to make it home and now it is. I love everything about this city (except for the typical little annoying things). Making a place a real home takes time and no one can tell us how long it will take. It may take you 2 years, it may only take you 2 months. You will know when your new home really becomes “home” in the full sense of the word. Give yourself the time to grieve your old home and to be angry with your new home. That is natural. Grieving is something that has to happen before we can be open to what is new. We just have to make sure that we can stop grieving when we are done – sometimes we can get caught up in the grieving to the point that we can’t imagine life without it. That isn’t good either.
Thank you for sharing your heart-felt, honest comment! And please let us know how things are now!
Feeling the same here, you are not alone, unconfortable non belonging is balanced with international and personal satisfactions . But there are ups and downs.
Yes, what you write is so true, Luxy! There are so many ups and downs – often what we are feeling right now, this second, is temporary (yet it feels like it will last forever). As you say, it is all a balancing act: nothing is 100% perfect, it is all about how we see what we DO have. The ups and downs are so worth it, wouldn’t you say? I hate and love the ups and downs all at the same time. It is definitely what they call a “love-hate relationship”! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! Your comment inspired me to head over here to respond to yours and some other long overdue comments. So wonderful to have this discussion with everyone!
Guess what?? – this has become a very long-winded, complicated and painful experience as our adoption took 3 months longer and we are still in Bolivia as our country (NZ) won’t let the girls in until they are NZ citizens 2-6mths (waiting for pre-approval so they can hopefully enter on a visitors visa 1mth). Our older daughter took a 6 month volunteer trip to India and is now coming back to Bolivia to study (it is her home). So we are wanting to stay here and wishing a job would come up and also packed to return to our ‘home country’. We came with two tweeners and leave with two preschoolers and the big kids stay here. We will never be completely separated from this country that we love as much as our own. (Feeling rejected by our own country). We are in limbo land – wanting to continue life here but knowing it is not possible for now. We will be back I am sure.
It is harder as we are not sure what city we are going to and if we will have old friends nearby or noone or what? I want a place that will support our spanish speaking with the girls. I know i will be sad and cry – I am leaving behind my life and will only have part of my family with me.
I can really relate to what lots of the responses have said and I am not looking forward to this experience, I know we survived/thrived coming here and I am sure there will be positives in the return, but I sense and am planning a lot of to-ing and fro-ing over the next few years. Thank you for your understanding.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post your update, Tracey! How frustrating to be stuck in limbo – not here or there… wondering when and if! It is interesting how our children can’t help but feel familiar in the country in which they grow up (as you say about your older children), regardless of what our culture(s) are!
Being that your older children feel most comfortable in Bolivia (at least for now) it sounds like no matter where you end up, you will have a direct connection with Bolivia, at least through your older children!
Please keep us posted and good luck from all of us!
What a great post. Also lovely to read everyone’s comments. I love being a nomad, I’ve lived in UK, Bermuda, Sicily, Spain, France and short stays (few months) in USA and Canada.
I found Spain and Bermuda were where I felt most connected, comfortable, myself… Going back to England now is lovely but I am aware of all the constraints as well as the advantages. I am currently in France where it took me a very long time to settle compared to the other countries I have lived in.
I love being able to take off and make friends, “live” a new coutry and culture. For me this experience is one of the most interesting and fulfilling there is. I do admit on ‘bad’ days I can feel rootless and adrift with nowhere to call home… Sometimes there is an internal conflict with your beliefs and values and those of the country you have decided to make your home and that can leave you feeling destabilised and insecure.
However the benefits, the challenge, the delight in making new friends, discovering new outlooks, different cultures and experiencing all that can be found when exploring a new country is so exciting. It gives a vibrancy to life that I don’t think I would have found by staying in my original hometown so I wouldn’t change a thing!!
Having lived more than a quarter of my life in my adopted country–I find that I’m unable to unravel how much Mexico has changed me from how much time has changed me. When I last lived in the US I was a carefree college student. So of course I’m a different person now, but of course I’m also different from the person I would have been had I never left home.
Very well said, Corey. I have had to help my two daughters through this in the months and years following their 6-month immersion experiences living with another family in France at the ages of 9 and 10. While it’s hard at times, if you ask them they’ll never say they wish they hadn’t gone so that they could avoid the pain of living apart from their second home. And although sometimes I feel guilty as a mom at having opened them up this sense of loss in their lives, ultimately I know they’re much richer, more human, for their experiences. And so are you.
Amy Van Vranken´s last [type] ..Bandeau flash
Hello! I was born in germany from a german mother and an italian father. Then at the age of 7 i moved back to Italy and so i was grewd up with two languages and two cultures!Then at elementary and high school i lerned french and english and so now at the age of 31 i’m abel to speak four languages !This gave me the chance to find easly a favoulous and interesting job!! I reccomend to all new parents to teach 2 or better 3 languages to your childrens as soon as possible!!:-)
Fabio
Corey
I really enjoyed reading your post….totally true.
I am from Paraguay…but I have been away from my “home” country for a while. It started with a small trip, then the trips were getting longer… from 1 year up to 3….
I am a dancer and coincidentally my MFA project ( a year ago) was related to “being in transit”. The piece was called: Passenger, a dance theatre exploration of identity, relationships, and society from the vantage point of a foreigner in an unfamiliar culture. The work offered a different take on traveling and being in transit….but at the end my goal was to simply portray: “it all depends on us, we are the creator of our lives; is our body and our choices.”
I take the best I can from all the places I go…I love traveling, getting to know new people, cultures….and I am sure that all this experience has built my personality differently than if I never left Paraguay. Off course there are hard moments…but I am happy of having done everything I had…I am willing to keep enjoying every moment of it….traveling or staying in one place…
Ale´s last [type] ..Mi blog
I’m so glad I finally find an space where I can relate myself with other people experiences. I left my home country Colombia almost 4 years ago and I have to say that it’s been a windy road with ups and downs and I genuinely never thought someone else could feel the way that I was feeling. It’s a mixture of feelings you feel happy, sad, guilty and very judgemental feelings that always find the way to disturb your day. I’ve lived in Colombia, Canada and I ended up in the UK in a very small village after travelled around the world “well just a small portion of it”. But now I look back and I realize that I’m so bless that I’m the luckiest person in the world and that I have no right to complain because all that I have is what I wanted and I want to have. I love where I live but to be honest as long as I’m with my husband I can live anywhere, my family is home for me.
Thanks for creating this blog Corey I think you are amazing and I think all the people commenting your article are unbelievably strong and thanks for making me feel not alone.
This is so timely: I recently met up with an old friend from living abroad days, and even 20 years later, we both agreed it was the most important period in our lives as far as making us who we have become. I hope my own children will do the same one day and learn see themselves as citizens of the world, as well as the cozy hometown in which they have always lived.
Suzie´s last [type] ..chocolate agave syrup
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