By Corey Heller
This originally appeared in Multilingual Living Magazine.
As many of us know and have experienced, living in another country changes you forever. You will never be the same and will never see things the same way again. I mentioned this to a friend after having lived in Ireland for a year. She looked at me confused and responded, “Oh come on, don’t be so depressing!”
Yet, for those of us who have lived abroad, this is simply the way it is.
The first time I experienced what experts call “Reverse Culture Shock” was after returning home from a Year Abroad Program in Ireland. My home town, which before had given me a sense of comfort and belonging, upon returning seemed stifling and bereft of warmth. I moved about my days feeling that something was missing but I had no idea what it could be. I eventually came face to face with the starling reality that my home would never, ever again feel the same as it had before. I had sealed my fate the moment I had boarded that plane the year before.
I don’t think there is really any way to describe this feeling to those who haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s a little like free-falling. It feels as if we are floating aimlessly on restless waters. We feel distinctly ungrounded.
What, exactly, is it that causes us to feel this way? Why is it more pronounced when living in a different country than just living in a different city? Does the degree of difference between our home country and the target country determine the degree of change we will experience upon returning?
Many descriptions of Reverse Culture Shock describe it as part of a continuum whereby eventually we’ll feel at home again in our native country and the vestiges of the “shock” will slowly wear off.
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
So true, Corey. Sometimes it is a struggle to be present in your current situation and celebrate the beauty of where you are, rather than long for what you have left behind.
After 5 years in Spain I can’t wait for my visits “home” to Canada, but at the same time always feel slightly cheated when I arrive. It is never as wonderful as I sometimes imagine when I am having a tough day in Spain.
Now, home for me is wherever I am with my husband and son, in our crazy little culture that we have blended up ourselves.
http://notsospanish.wordpress.com/
What a good point you make – that home IS with our spouse and child, wherever that is. I can definitely relate to that! Thank you for your reminder!
Hi Corey,
I can completely relate to your feelings as I have undergone the same myself and reverse cultural shock makes you actually think that it can never be like before as the experiences make us grow rich and the horizons broaden. In fact there are so many people across the globe who are leading this kind of nomadic life and infact get so used to it that they would want to shift. I can also relate to moving to another country/place except original country of stay/origin because the things there never changed but you did.
Nice to be able to walk side by side with people who can relate to story like this. Thanks for sharing it.
Be Well
Coach Nupur
I agree completely! Being able to connect with one another in this way is so important. The worst is feeling as if we are different, have done something wrong along the way, should have stayed in our home town and never gone anywhere because now we are so different and feel alone. Then when we hook up with others we realize how connected we all really are!
Funny how no matter where we’re from, I think we all feel pretty much this way….I’ll never forget that first summer I spent in Spain as an exchange student 23 years ago…an experience that changed the course of my life. I ended up in Italy speaking Italian, but Spanish was my first love…Thanks for the lovely article that brought back so many memories!
How wonderful to have both Italian and Spanish! And you are more than welcome for helping to bring back memories – writing it brought back wonderful bittersweet memories for me too. In fact, I wanted to jump on a plane and go back to Ireland and see how much it has changed from 1991.
This is so true. I noticed that it took me about 2-3 years to get used to my new country, the USA. I spent a lot of complaining about those “crazy Americans” with other German expats. Then somewhere between 3 and 5 years you reach a “point of no return”, where you feel more at home in the host country than the home country. Last year we went back to Germany for a 3 months sabbatical (after 8 years in the US). I noticed that I did the same complaining as in my first years in the US, just this time about the “crazy Germans”. It would probably take me a few years again to get feel at home in Germany. Unfortuantely, we can’t create the perfect world somehwere in mid-atlantic! Now, I enjoy spending time with my fellow German (or other European) expats who are in the same situation and can relate. And I try to bring as much of the positive aspects of Germany here as I can to create my own “perfect world”. The sad thing about going away and coming back is that the people you return to can’t really relate and it sometimes feels like your experience abroad is not valid or hasn’t happened.
Thank you for your comments, Barbara! It can feel so lonely when we aren’t around people who really “get” what we have experienced. But when we find them, it is such a relief, isn’t it? There is still a bit of sadness inside me that I will always feel torn one way or the other. But ultimately, I think it is a small price to pay for my wonderful family!
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